Ask Why: Confront Your Motivation

I have a feeling that Ask Why might be a recurring theme because as this started, I thought about many situations where "asking why" was or could have been helpful.  So I decided to also use a subtitle. The nice subtitle here is Confront Your Motivation.  While what I was really struggling with was finding a way not to write, "Confront Your Inner Asshole."

Ask yourself why you are feeling or reacting the way that you are.  Sometimes before you realize it, your actions can lead to results that aren't what you intend.  Let me give you an example.

Today, a coworker and friend sent me a nice message asking about attending a future meeting.  She explained that she was trying to schedule a flight (to visit her children and new grandchild (she didn't say it, I knew)), but wanted to be available for the meeting when I needed her.  While my response was to coolly "let her off the hook" telling her she didn't need to attend the meeting at all, I then proceeded to send some guilt her way.  I told her that by doing this she'd miss another meeting where her new position would be announced.  It was all very outwardly cordial but also, it was detached and very cool. Then, it hit me.  Why was I bothered?  I asked myself why I was reacting the way I was. 

First, I had to admit that I felt like I was being abandoned and left to handle the meeting on my own.  While it IS my job to run the meeting, she plays an integral role in the outcome and thus her participation in the process will be helpful.  So I guess, I also felt hurt, because she is also a friend.

Second, I have to admit that I was upset for a far more personal reason.  There was an internal bitch that sniped, "Gee, it'd be great to just run off whenever I want to, to not care about the meetings and obligations."  I was jealous of her ability to do something that I couldn't do both financially and out of obligation.  It also caused me to think of can't, you know...."well, I can't do that!" when the only reason that I couldn't do it (besides financial) was my perception of others expectations for me.

Wow!  That's a mouthful!! 

As soon as I realized what was going on, my anxiety at her, went away.  I thought about all of the times that other employees had missed similar meetings, with no negative consequences.  I also realized that deep down, I just really envied her for doing what she was doing. 

My anxiety gone, I was able to honestly give her my support.  It also let me release her from meeting the standard of expectation that I was angry about for myself.  And once I understood my real reaction and motivation, I was able to let myself off the hook for my reaction as well.

So, when you are in a situation and find yourself reacting negatively, ask yourself, "What's my motivation?"  Not every realization will change your reaction like mine did.  But knowing what it is will help you react in a more honest and authentic way, especially within yourself.