Ask Why: Confront Your Motivation

I have a feeling that Ask Why might be a recurring theme because as this started, I thought about many situations where "asking why" was or could have been helpful.  So I decided to also use a subtitle. The nice subtitle here is Confront Your Motivation.  While what I was really struggling with was finding a way not to write, "Confront Your Inner Asshole."

Ask yourself why you are feeling or reacting the way that you are.  Sometimes before you realize it, your actions can lead to results that aren't what you intend.  Let me give you an example.

Today, a coworker and friend sent me a nice message asking about attending a future meeting.  She explained that she was trying to schedule a flight (to visit her children and new grandchild (she didn't say it, I knew)), but wanted to be available for the meeting when I needed her.  While my response was to coolly "let her off the hook" telling her she didn't need to attend the meeting at all, I then proceeded to send some guilt her way.  I told her that by doing this she'd miss another meeting where her new position would be announced.  It was all very outwardly cordial but also, it was detached and very cool. Then, it hit me.  Why was I bothered?  I asked myself why I was reacting the way I was. 

First, I had to admit that I felt like I was being abandoned and left to handle the meeting on my own.  While it IS my job to run the meeting, she plays an integral role in the outcome and thus her participation in the process will be helpful.  So I guess, I also felt hurt, because she is also a friend.

Second, I have to admit that I was upset for a far more personal reason.  There was an internal bitch that sniped, "Gee, it'd be great to just run off whenever I want to, to not care about the meetings and obligations."  I was jealous of her ability to do something that I couldn't do both financially and out of obligation.  It also caused me to think of can't, you know...."well, I can't do that!" when the only reason that I couldn't do it (besides financial) was my perception of others expectations for me.

Wow!  That's a mouthful!! 

As soon as I realized what was going on, my anxiety at her, went away.  I thought about all of the times that other employees had missed similar meetings, with no negative consequences.  I also realized that deep down, I just really envied her for doing what she was doing. 

My anxiety gone, I was able to honestly give her my support.  It also let me release her from meeting the standard of expectation that I was angry about for myself.  And once I understood my real reaction and motivation, I was able to let myself off the hook for my reaction as well.

So, when you are in a situation and find yourself reacting negatively, ask yourself, "What's my motivation?"  Not every realization will change your reaction like mine did.  But knowing what it is will help you react in a more honest and authentic way, especially within yourself.

Smile

Sometimes, its as simple as that.  If you need to turn your mood around, or get yourself into a positive frame of mind, SMILE! 

Smile big.  Smile broad.  Feel your cheeks move.  Smile with your eyes.

The other day, I needed to turn my mood around.  I had let myself become frustrated by a project I was working on, so as I drove down the highway to my next meeting, I put a big, broad smile across my face.  At first, it felt a little strange, like conflict occurring between the frustration I had been feeling and the brain messages coming from the physical action I was taking.  As I continued to force the smile, the strange feeling diminished.  I felt less frustrated and instead, began to feel calm. The longer I smiled, the lighter my mood became.  The longer I smiled, the happier I felt.

Does this sound silly?  May be.  But try it.  It is easy to test this for yourself.  Close yourself into your office, your car, a bathroom, wherever you can be by yourself and just smile. 

Do it right now.  Make it a conscious action.  Smile for as long as you need.  You will thank yourself for it!!

What if it Isn't the Worst Thing?

What if, the thing that you think is the worst thing that could possibly happen at any given time, really wasn't?  When something unexpected happens, what do you do?  Do you blame someone else?  Do you blame the universe?  Do you blame yourself? 

Here's what happened to me.  Yesterday, I looked at my online bank balance to find that my checking account was overdrawn.  It was my fault.  I had thought that a payment had cleared the bank, when it actually hadn't. 

Momentary shock lead to frustration and then an avalanche of self criticism.  I had almost completed a long email rant to a trusted friend when I caught myself...and deleted the message...and decided to look at what happened in a different way.

What if it was really a sign of something that I needed to pay attention to or a lesson that I needed to learn?

You might think, "Of course, you dummy, you need to take better care of your finances and not spend beyond your means." Well, I don't deny that I need to do that, but what I'm talking about is something more. 

You see, I had been thinking of moving.  I found a place that I liked, but was a little more expensive then where I currently lived.  I'd have to lay out a significant chunk of money over the next couple months to make it happen...and that would make covering daily expenses, and life in general, more difficult over the short term. 

In spite of this, I had viewed being able to move as going to something bigger and better than I currently had.  So, my rant started like this...Do you believe in self-sabotage?  Every time I think about doing something better, I do something to get in my way.  I am irresponsible.  I am stupid for it to happen.  It was my fault.  I don't deserve anything better...and on it spiralled.  Until just before I hit send, and I caught myself.

What if this isn't the worst thing?  What if this is just the sign that says that all those doubts I was having were right.  A sign that says that I shouldn't be going down this path at this time.  I stopped the self blame and instead, looked at the situation from a different perspective.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Buddha                                       

 

I took action.  I immediately withdrew the rental application.  Then, I revisited my account to understand how it happened and understand my complete financial picture.  And even though I still had a negative account balance, I have a paycheck coming on Friday and I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.

 

So do yourself a favor, and catch yourself.  When you start to blame yourself or someone else for something that is happening, stop yourself and ask, "What if this isn't the worst thing that could happen?  How could I look at this differently?"  Find a lesson you can learn from the situation or a positive thought you can take from it.

 

The more you practice this, the easier it gets. 

 

Hopelessness comes from believing that we aren't in control and things happen to us.  Next time instead of blaming or berating yourself, or someone else, take control of your thoughts and look for the lesson, or the positive.  Ask yourself, "What if this isn't the worst thing?"

 



What I can do today!

What I can do...

Wake up in the morning and decide on one thing, just one thing that you will do well today.  May be it is to get out of the door by 8.  May be it is to smile and greet your coworkers with a joyous "Good Morning".  May be it is to hug your child or parent or spouse or friend, just to give them a hug.

Whatever it is, make a decision.  Quick!  Write it down!!  Promise yourself that you will do that one thing today! 

And before you go to sleep, read your promise to yourself and think about how doing that one thing made you feel. 

It doesn't have to be a big goal, but it does have to be something. We can all do one thing that will be a positive force for our day and may be in someone else's too.

So what are you going to do today?